TO THE THANATOS WITHIN ME

I embrace you, dear shadow,

my revelatory friend,

dear suicidal impulse; today

I dream of the parapets above

A la Vielle Russie, and

of splattering near the Plaza

where Woody Allen wooed young girls,

leaving a bit of me

on the Strand Bookstand,

near the park and the seals —

but this is too vibrant and real.

Better to find myself alone

in a porcelain tub

with chamomile bath oil

(as if I needed to be calm;

here is eternity for that),

listening to Verdi’s Requiem,

holding a razor,

or better still, to poison myself

with small scored rose pills,

avoiding arsenic and the Bovary traps

of indigestion, detection;

best with caplets, red carafes of wine,

or Guinness brew —

(who wouldn’t want to quaff a few?)

What catharsis there is

in the dive, the gesture, the infinite jest,

the slash, the brush (its own fire),

the dance with death?

Ah, this: as I flirt, you draw near,

chingon to my chingada

bite my ear, stop my breath—

who else could do that?

Dear friend of ferment,

who unearths the worms

that enrich this blissful human soil,

promising the end of eternal roil:

Te quiero, my Mescal, my absinthe,

my blue cyanosing corps, my Mayakovsky, my you. . .

Was this a mistake? Is it too late . . . ?

You bite my ear, take up my rear, whisper:

Yes.