POETIC KISS OF DEATH (humor)

If you have ever suffered through a bad poetry reading, you will no doubt be familiar with these 8 tell-tale signs of literary mildew.

1. "I wrote this poem this morning . . . ." —Translation: The poem is long, unedited, repetitious, and was written while the poet was hung over from last night's Headshrinker Bar's open mike.

2. "This poem is about betrayal and lost love." —Translation: "I caught my boyfriend and best friend doing it last night and I will not be afraid to cry a lot during this reading."

3. "Brothers and sisters, the man says . . ." —Translation: This will be a rambling poem of political outrage, although it will never be clear (a) what the issue being discussed is; (b) who the man is.

4. "This poem appeared in . . . " —Translation: Beware! The poet is about to read you her entire literary bio, starting (but showing no signs of ending) with her publication in the Eastern Secaucus-Meadowlands Stadium and Refreshment Stand Review at age fourteen.

5. "For your information, the muse of poetry is . . . " —Translation: The poet has over $100,000 in student loans, and is lacing his poem with references to prove that his MFA was worth it.

6. "It's language poetry. Just let it wash over you." —Translation: The poet couldn't write a poem with meter or meaning to save her life.

7. "I love the pluralism of voices supported by the open mike." —Translation: Poet couldn't get a feature at a decent venue.

And last but not least:
8. "I have my new full-length book and handmade chapbooks for sale . . . "—Translation: You are about to be shook down for $25 for 40 typo-ridden pages of poetry. Leave the venue before the poet leaves the stage.